Letter to Mom

Dear Mom,

I cannot believe that it has been three years.  It just seems like yesterday.  Some days are good and some days are bad.  Sometimes the littlest things remind me of you. . . puppy chow muddy buddies, snowmen, zucchini bread, just to name a few.  Sometimes I am good with it and other times the memories bring tears to my eyes.  Even though you are gone, you are still remembered by treasures and mementos that have been tucked away. Grandma has been sharing old pictures with us from when we were all little kids.

Speaking of kids, you would not believe how my kids have changed and grown.  Pumpkin is in first grade now.  He likes sharks and a game called Angry Birds.  He is a lot like brother.  I wish I could ask how you handled different situations when we were little.  Princess has changed so much since she was 18 months old.  She is so talkative that she would blow your socks off.  It is hard to imagine that she will be in kindergarten next year.  She is very smart and wears glasses like her mama.

Grandma is doing good.  We take care of each other.  She is my second mom now.  Grandma still keeps busy with quilting and takes Pumpkin to and from school.  The garden is only about 1/3 of the size that it was when you and grandpa were still with us.  Grandpa's rose bed is still doing well, at least when the deer are not using it as a cafe.  

Sister and step dad still feel your loss the most.  I wish I knew at times what to say to sister.  We help her the best we can, but there is no way that we can fill the void and pain of your absence.  She had been through so much since you left and I am not equipped with the right knowledge or experiences to really help her find her way again.  I wish that you were here to help.  Step dad is still having a hard time.  Occasionally I see him at church or at grandma's, but he will not join us for meals or holidays.  He had a roommate for a while, but the gentleman passed of heart problems this pass spring.  Hopefully with time he will recover.

There is so much I wish that I could ask you and talk to you about.  I wish that you would of went to the doctor years ago, maybe just maybe you would of still been with us.  I wish that you would of been able to retire and enjoy life after work.  I wish that cancer would not of won.  I wish that you could see your newest grandchild.  I wish that you could hug and play with all of your grandkids.  I wish that I could have one last hug.  I miss you mom.

Love you forever,

Me

Thinking

Sometimes thinking is good and sometimes thinking is not so good.

#1:  I am still working on losing a few pounds.  I have been reading a chapter a night of the book Made to Crave: Satisfying Your Deepest Desire With God, Not Food by Lysa TerKeurst to help motivate me.  So far I've been taken with the passage Matthew 19:16-30 from the introduction.

  

Someone came to Jesus with this question: “Teacher, what good deed must I do to 

have eternal life?”

“Why ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. But 

to answer your question—if you want to receive eternal life, keep the commandments.”

“Which ones?” the man asked.

            And Jesus replied: “‘You must not murder. You must not commit adultery. You must not 

            steal. You must not testify falsely. Honor your father and mother. Love your neighbor as 

            yourself.’”

“I’ve obeyed all these commandments,” the young man replied. “What else must I do?”

Jesus told him, “If you want to be perfect, go and sell all your possessions and give the 

money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

But when the young man heard this, he went away sad, for he had many possessions.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “I tell you the truth, it is very hard for a rich person to 

enter the Kingdom of Heaven.  I’ll say it again—it is easier for a camel to go through the 

eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!”

The disciples were astounded. “Then who in the world can be saved?” they asked.

Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with 

God everything is possible.”

Then Peter said to him, “We’ve given up everything to follow you. What will we get?”

Jesus replied, “I assure you that when the world is made new and the Son of Man sits 

upon his glorious throne, you who have been my followers will also sit on twelve thrones, 

judging the twelve tribes of Israel.  And everyone who has given up houses or brothers 

or sisters or father or mother or children or property, for my sake, will receive a hundred 

times as much in return and will inherit eternal life. But many who are the greatest now 

will be least important then, and those who seem least important now will be the 

greatest then.”

It didn't make too much sense reading it at first, so I googled for a devotional on the verses and then it made much more sense to me in the context of the book.  Food can be a crutch, it can be our riches that we do not want to give up.  With each chapter that I maneuver, I see how faith in God can help with the motivation and endurance needed to make real change in my eating habits (or at times reasons behind the eating habitats like stress, grief, boredom, etc...).  I have a long way to go, but hopefully one of these days I will reach my healthier goal that I set back in November.

#2:  I've been thinking a lot about mom lately.  Somedays are better than others, then some days are still rough at times.  I know that I still have yet to heal and that it will take a long time.  It is not like you can just throw a switch and everything will be alright again.  Sometimes I wonder about what mom would think about the kids.  Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to ask mom's advice about something.  Sometimes I wonder why she did not go to the doctor sooner.  Sometimes I just wonder what life would be like if she was still here.  Sometimes my thoughts are happy and sometimes my thoughts bring tears.  

#3:  When I think about mom, then I worry about dad and what will happen when his day comes.  He is my only parent left and I know that he will lose his battle to cancer too.  I know that that day will come sooner than I like.  I wish that there was a cure for his cancer.  I so wish that cancer just did not exist.  I need to try to get across town more often to visit him.  Sometimes it is hard though to get over there without the kids and they have a tendency to make his anxiety levels go sky high.  I hope that he is around long enough to teach the kids some cool grandpa things. . . like fishing, playing the guitar, cooking a pizza on the grill, making tomato burgers, and the Super Chicken song.

#4:  I'm so exhausted from thinking at times that I just don't want to think.  I just want to zone out . . . lose myself in a book . . . lose myself in a movie. I get tired of feeling responsible for myself, my kids, my hubby, my grandma A, my grandma R, my dad, and sometimes even my baby sister.  No wonder I zone out and stuff my face with food at times.  

#5:  I think I need to probably get off the computer now and find something to clean in this disaster of a house.   The chaos seems to multiple, have babies, then spreads through the whole house.  I probably could clean for weeks and still not catch up.  Hmmmm. . . guess I need to focus and get something accomplished.  I got it, I'll make slips of paper with different rooms in the house of where I should start, draw a slip, and then . . . go to sleep.  Tomorrow is another day and I can start cleaning then.

Best Year Of Your Life

Back in the spring I was listening to The Morning Show Tim & Pam on WBGL.  I enjoy listening to their banter in the morning and find it amazing that Christians from all over the world are listening in.  Anyway they were talking about a European study that had recently come out.  The gist of the study was that people felt the happiest and most content at the age of thirty-three.  This study actually upset me quite a bit and there were times over the next few days when it was discussed that it was tempted to turn the show off.

I do understand why in most peoples’ lives this might be true.  Most people in their early thirties have figured out what they are doing with their life.  Most people in their thirties have found a significant other and are enjoying their children.  Most people in their thirties have managed to pay off their college loans.  Most people in their thirties have matured enough to enjoy life.

To me age thirty-three was one of the worst years of my life.  On my thirty-third birthday, I took my then 18 month old daughter and 3-1/2 year old son to the funeral home to say goodbye to my mom, their grandma.  She past a few days before my birthday from stage four brain & lung cancer and was buried the day after my birthday.  Losing a parent tears you up.  I had trying to take care my young children, husband, maternal grandma, sister, and dad as a distraction during my thirty-third year. 

I remember not crying at the funeral, which I think horrified my brother.  But, I had learned over the years that if I cried in front of grandma or my sister when the going got tough that they would also break down in tears.   So years ago, I taught myself to not cry in front of them because I felt like the glue that kept us together. 

Don’t get me wrong, I cried and cried the day my mom died.  Grandma and I were the only ones at grandma house when mom died and I was the one that had discovered that she quit breathing.  It was me that tried to find a pulse.  It was me that called the hospice nurse, our pastor, my husband, my brother, and others.  I cried when pastor recited the 23rd Psalms over mom’s body.  I was also the one that told my step-dad and my sister when they walked into the house to see mom, only find out that they were too late.  It was like déjà vu since we had just buried my maternal grandpa the month before.  So we once again went through the motions at the funeral home and cemetery. 

That first month just feels like a horrible dream and the world seems to just zoom by while you are stuck in place and can’t move.  But of course you have to move, you have to go on with life.  You can’t hole yourself up for ever.  The hardest part of that first year with my mom’s death was holidays, mom’s birthday a few months later, and my kids birthdays were the worst.  Many things helped me through. . . . my hubby, my kids, a few good friends, my faith, and reading. 

Faith-wise I believe: 1) That God does not give us more than we can handle and what he does give us makes us stronger, 2) That God has a reason for everything even if we cannot see it and even the bad can become something good in the end, and 3) That God is walking with us every step of the way even if we lose faith in Him.  The verse that helped me the most was “Oh, how great are God's riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decision and his way!” ~ Romans 11:33 (NLT)

Book-wise:  The fictional book that helped me the most is called The Good Nearby by NancyMoser.  I found this book at the local library and hope that someday I can add it to my home library.  It illustrates how God can use things we would think are bad and undesirable to bring out the good in way we may never expect.  It also illustrates how over lives are so interconnected even with those that we deem as strangers.  I recommend this book to anyone going through a rough patch in life or anyone that needs a faith pick-me-up. 

Anyway, a few months after my mom’s death I had manage to maintain a new normal in my life.  I was trying to loose some of the pounds I gained during the eight months my mom was sick.  I am a stress-eater and so I had gained a bit of weight.    

A few weeks after my mom died a friend emailed me that her five year old daughter had leukemia.  She was diagnosis the day that we learned that my mom had about two weeks to live.  I had known this little girl since she was two and it broke my heart again.  This precious little one that is dear to my heart was sick, but that is the thing with cancer it does not care about age, race, or whether you are good or bad person.  Thankfully that wonderful inspiring little girl is in remission and is seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with regards to treatments.  Yay to her and her strong enduring family!

So three months after my mom died, between Christmas and New Year’s, we were learned that my dad’s multiple myeloma had returned.  Well within a week, I had gained back all that I had lost, after all I had lost my mom three months before and was now faced with losing my dad too.  Anyway, multiple myeloma is a type of bone cancer.  It can cause brittle bones.  There is no permanent cure for it, only maintenance treatments that can temporarily put it into remission or can slow the progress of the cancer.  This past April dad had his second bone marrow transplant and his doctor said that it is in remission for now.  As of right now it is rare to have third bone marrow transplants for his type of cancer.   The thing with multiple myeloma is that it weakens the body and makes it more susceptible to other cancers, so if the multiple myeloma does not get him another cancer will.  The last bone marrow transplant bought him five years, so we will see how long the current one holds.  Oh, and I have yet to lose the weight and have even gained more pounds through dad’s and my paternal grandma’s many hospitalizations earlier this year.

Anyway, I felt like I lost a year, my thirty-third year.  I could not remember how old I was or sometimes how old my kids were.  I would sometime walk into a room and forget why I was there or what I was doing.  I am finally two years later remembering how old I am and I am doing better remembering things.  So I guess to wrap it up my thirty-third year was not the best year of my life.  But life is what you make of it, so we will keep our chins up and trudge on the best we can with what we have.

Snow White

Sometimes life feels like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.  There are those good days in life.  There are days filled with work.  There are days when you are running for all its worth.  There are days that you feel like one of the dwarfs.  And then, there are days that witch and the poison apple appears.

I thought that the poisoned apple would make an appearance yesterday.  Yesterday the memorial bench for my mom and grandpa was installed at a local nature center.  It was nice to see it accomplished, but at the same time it was a sad reminder that they are gone. Next week will be the two year anniversary of grandpa's death and mom's two year anniversary will be the next month.  

To add to the day, I went with my dad to his doctor appointment.  We both had anxiety going into it.  What would the doctor say?  Would the cancer be gone?  If the cancer is not gone, what would happen next?  Thankfully the doctor said that the cancer was in remission. Yay!  Thank you God and thank you to everyone for the prayers!  

But, I have been thinking over the past week and one of my biggest worries is, if dad ever did pass would I be the one to find him?  I honestly don't know if I can do that again.  The day that mom passed, I was the one to discover that she was gone.  Grandma was in the other room on a phone call and I desperately tried to find a pulse, a breath, anything before I told grandma what I thought to be true.  Then I had to make the call to the hospice nurse to come to the house to confirm that mom had passed.  It was absolutely terrible.  I know that mom is in a better place and I know that she no longer hurts from the cancer, but sometimes you feel frozen in time and cannot as hard as you try get a horrible image out of your head.  I'm hoping with time that memories of that day fade, I just am not sure that I can relive them again anytime soon.

Thankfully my thoughts have not been all dank and dreary this week.  We took the kids to the library and finished the summer reading program.  The kids really enjoyed themselves with the program this year.  They both received a book for completing the program.  Pumpkin got "Mac And Cheese" by Sarah Weeks.  Princess got "I Love New My Toy!" (an Elephant Gerald and Piggie book) by Mo Willems.  I picked up a few books too, so hopefully one of these days maybe I'll post about another book that I have read.

"Whistle While You Work" infected me yesterday afternoon.  I purchased and replaced the dryer ventilation tubing.  I also purchased some pipe and duct work insulation for hubby to do some work in the crawl spaces.  I fixed a stuck kitchen drawer (the back was separating from the sides).  I fixed a squeak back door, gotta love WD40.  I also fixed supper. ;-) 

Pumpkin and Princess were a riot this morning.  They were fighting over which one of them is Mommy's friend.  So they argued back and forth, it was quite cute.  Then Princess called herself a pretty princess.  Pumpkin told her that she could not be a princess, because she is not pretty.  Then he called himself a pretty superhero, because superheroes are good and he wanted to be good.  Hahahahahaha  I know what he said was not nice and thankfully my pretty little Princess didn't really pay any attention to him anyway, but it sure is funny to hear how kids process the world around them.

Cause & Effect

Things have been a bit crazy lately, so I decided to look at cause and effect.  Sometimes even when problems arise, they work themselves out for the best.

Several ant invasions throughout the house = Getting to see an old friend that I had not seen in some time twice in one month.  It was a real blessing getting to catch up on life, hearing about kids, and talking about getting the families together for some fun.  The amazing things about old friends like this one, even though we had not spoken for quite sometime it seemed like just yesterday and the conversion flowed just like old times.

Bone marrow transplant = Being thankful that there is still something that can temporarily stop multiple myeloma.  And being very proud of my brave and courageous dad.

Washer breaking down in the middle of the rinse cycle = Being reminded how amazing my maternal grandma really is.  She watched the kids while I hand wrung the clothes and baled the water out of the washer.  Then we took the laundry for a spin in grandma's washer and got a few more loads polished off.  While I was busy with the wash, grandma and the kids cooked up cookies.  Yummy!

Stress = Lots of wonderful yummy chocolate cherry cokes! 

A family member throwing a tantrum with inappropriate mean spirited comments = Being reminded how supportive my husband, sister, a maternal grandma are.  And being thankful for having such wonderful amazing young children that need and love their mommy every day.

Medical bills = Being thankful that tubes can help my child hear.  But apprehensive of the diagnosis coming on Tuesday for the eyes of the youngest.

Dog + Door = Bruised temple and killer headache, but a great big hug from my baby sister.

Lack of sleep = Impromptu falling sleeping on the couch during the day and sleeping through the whole night.

Life = Adventures of a lifetime down a lot of bumpy roads.

For The Love Of Monkeys!

How much longer until this horrible month is OVER?  I try to be pretty laid back.  I try to take it as it comes.  I try to be the strong one for the family.  I try to do what is right.  Why the heck has this month be SO screwed up?  A month of blessings (Princess, Pumpkin & hubby's birthdays), has been picked apart by a month of constant interruptions and chaos.  

Dad just went into the hospital for his third hospitalization for the month of February.  Of course, they still do not know what is really wrong- they just have theories.  During the last visit he had the luxury of staying ICU for three days.  That first ICU visit created much anxiety for me.  Riding that elevator up to the 2nd floor, wondering if once again I would hear those terrible words that was spoken of my mom during her stint in ICU, "only two weeks to live."  Thankfully I did not hear those words, but oh that anxiety sure was there.  I love my dad and I sure as heck do not want to lose another parent.  They may move his bone marrow transplant up, so hopefully, just hopefully that will help.  I really don't know, it is all is God's hands.

I haven't posted in a bit because our internet router died last week.  The new one, just came in today's mail and it got it installed right before I received a text that dad was going to the hospital.  

My baby sister has been planning to move in with us for about three weeks now with her cat and dog.  Everyday seems like a waiting game.  Will it be today?  Will it be tomorrow?  There are never any answers.  We were hoping to use the box truck to move some of her larger things this evening, but it didn't happen.  I guess it gave me the evening to spend at the hospital anyway.

Pumpkin starts kindergarten in the fall and in the last week we received two rejection letters from the magnet school lottery, so we have decided to send Pumpkin to private school instead.  Boy is it going to hurt the pocket book, but a good education in a safe environment is worth it.  

I typically do not mention work, but a co-worker is retiring tomorrow.  I will be temporarily getting a large chunk of those duties for the time being, so lots of extra stress all around!

I don't think a chocolate cherry coke is going to help this time.  To be honest, I just want to cry instead of my typically laugh response.  Can I just hole up in my house for a few days and pretend that the world does not exist outside these walls? 

Here is to hoping the March will be much better! 

Well . . . .

What a week!  Valentine's Day seems like it was years ago.  It was a good day though.  

The kids unwrapped the game Candy Land and it has been played almost every day since.  It is very good at teaching counting, colors, and taking turns.  Although, Pumpkin really does not want to draw the card on top, but we are working on that.  I think Pumpkin is addicted to the game.  Princess also enjoys it, thankfully she is not as competitive as Pumpkin when it comes to winning.  So, I only have one child to try to soothe during the game. 

Hubby got me a box of six fresh, chocolate dipped strawberries.  Yummy!  I sort of lacked this year in my gift giving.  He got a 12 pack of Dr. Pepper and a bag of Poppycock, but in my defense his birthday is in a little over a week and I got something GREAT for it.

Wednesday afternoon is when everything went downhill.  Dad was taken to the hospital and spent many hours in the emergency room before he was transferred to the intensive care unit.  The doctors have run many tests and think that he has viral encephalitis.  So he remains in intensive care for the time being.  He has been taken off of his chemotherapy regimen.  As usual cancer sucks, but we have to keep moving along even if it is slowly but surely.  My grandma, aunt and I have been visiting him off and on each day.  After hubby gets home from work, I'll head over for a visit with dad.  We are very thankfully for all of the prayers and words of encouragement.

We are also still working on getting ready for my sister's impending move.  Sounds like tomorrow evening or Monday now.  Hello, live-in cleaning fairy!!!!!! (wink, wink) 

Once Again

So here we are once again getting ready to enter another year with such uncertainty.  

2011 herald in the year with uncertainty about dad's cancer and a series of firsts without mom and grandpa.  We made it through all of the firsts, although some were rougher than others. Dad's stuff has pretty much gone as planned.  But in this last week plans are crumbling apart due to health insurance changes.

2012 is going to herald in the year once again filled with uncertainties about dad's cancer treatment and with needing to buy a replacement vehicle.  My trusty car of eight years as of Thursday morning is no longer trusty so we are faced with the option of a new engine or a new vehicle.  You can guess which one won out.  We have one last uncertainty looming . . . We will find out on Tuesday afternoon if Pumpkin needs to have surgery for a second set of tubes in his ears.  So 2012 will have a rocky start and our hope is that the year will find a way to level itself out.  If you are the praying type, we would appreciate any prayers that you say.

Once again this year, I am not going to set any New Year's resolutions.  Living life the best we can manage with setting tiny goals along the way is good enough for me.  Besides, reaching the tiny goals and setting new ones is more empowering that trying to reach those lofty goals and failing.  

I wish all those that I know and all those whom stumble across this blog a very Happy New Year filled with health, good wishes, and love of family and friends.

Somber Reading

I had the hankering for reading another book after a month long hiatus.  I explored the online catalog of the local library in search of a book.   I finally found one book that peaked my interest, but it had to be ordered in from another library.  

How could I wait that long?  Then I remember that one or two years ago I had picked up a book at a book exchange that I had yet to read.  I looked through the old wooden cabinet that has been in my family for generations and finally located the book.   

Barefoot by Elin Hilderbrand.  The cover looked really promising with a cheery yellow patch of towel and bare feet on the sand.  National Bestseller was stamped across the top of the book.  Followed by "Three women.  Three secrets.  One long, hot summer."  

Needless to say, the book was not quite what I expected.  At one point, I almost set the book down and refused to read it.  It is good book, but one of the main characters had stage two lung cancer.  That fact alone almost stopped me from continuing with the story line.

The story is about two sisters and the best friend of one of those sisters.  They spend the summer in a tiny cottage on the island of Nantucket with one of the sisters' two young children.  The story line is complicated at times and a few more characters are added along the way- a male college student for a babysitter, husbands, boyfriends and parents.  

It is a story about coming to terms with life, turning lemons into lemonade, and finding yourself along the way.  You find yourself rooting for the characters and experience sadness to have the story end.  You learn about sisterhood, friendship, and motherhood as the characters move through their daily lives.

Part of the book made me wonder about my mom.  Did she have pain like was described by the character with stage two cancer?  How much more worse would it have been for my mom with stage four lung and brain cancer?  With the symptoms described, how did my mom not know she was sick?  Before my mom lost her short-term memory, what was she thinking?  Did she have any regrets?  And of course the biggest question of all, if my mom would of seen a doctor years earlier, could she have been saved?

I know that I will never have the answers to these questions.  But it did not make the reading of this book any easier.  Families battle cancer everyday- some lives are saved and some lives are lost.  There is no point in worrying about what we cannot control, we just have to live our lives and hope for the best. 

Rough Patches

Oh, how great are God's riches and wisdom and knowledge!
How impossible it is for us to understand his decision and his way!
~Romans 11:33

This has been a really rough week for me.  Life always has its ups and downs but this week has felt like a hailstorm.  I have to trust that God knows what he is doing and that I will make it through to more joyous times.  

Tuesday was the roughest day for me.  I attended the graveside services of a dear, dear lady.  I thought a lot of her and was sad to see her go, but it is a blessing that she lead a full and long life.  The service was in the same cemetery that my mom and grandpa are buried in.  I made it through pretty well.  The hardest part of the service for me was when the 23 Psalms was recited.  The last time I had heard those words was the day my mom died.  I was the one that had discovered that mom had past on and no matter how hard I tried to find a pulse or listen for a breath, it didn't come.  I called our pastor and he, his wife, grandma and I waited together for the hospice nurse to arrive to call the coroner.  As we waited, pastor had us gather around mom and he read the 23 Psalms.  I had always found comfort in those verses, but now it has a different meaning and for the time being is very hard to bear.  I'm sure with time, those words will once again provide comfort and support instead of sadness and tears.

Then early Tuesday evening, I went to the funeral home for the visitation of a wonderful gentleman that I once attend church with.  Of course, it was the same funeral home that took care of my mom and grandpa's funerals.  This particular funeral home has two rooms for their services.  I figured it would probably be in the room that grandpa had been in 6 months ago and I thought I could handle that.  But, it ended up being in the same room that mom had been in 4 1/2 months earlier.  I almost bolted from the funeral home.  It is really hard to face something that you are still coming to terms with.  I know that mom is gone and in a better place, but I do not want to relive any part of this life change event.  But because I thought so much of this wonderful gentleman, I did pay my final respects.  Of course, it was done with tears and I could only stay in the funeral home for about ten minutes.  I'm sure that God was with me the whole time, but I'm not sure that I was strong enough to face these hurdles so soon.

Finally, right before bed time on Tuesday, I received a phone call that my dad had been admitted to the hospital two hours away.  He had been undergoing out patient pheresis in preparation for a bone marrow transplant later this year, for multiple myeloma, and encountered a glitch.  They thought it could be a possible blood clot, by Wednesday afternoon the blood clot had been ruled out.  I guess the current hypothesis maybe the medication that he was receiving.  He is hoping to be released sometime tomorrow, so he can come back home. 

Not to out do everything else this week, one year ago yesterday was when mom was diagnosed with multiple brain tumors.  Of course, a few weeks later was when we learned she had stage 4 cancer of the brain and lungs.  So for the past year my world has been turned upside down and I'm still waiting for it to turn itself back around.  I'm still working on trying to find the new normal in life as is everyone else in the family.

Being the oldest, I always feel like I have to take care of everyone else in the family.  I have to be the strong one.  Some days, I think being the oldest really sucks.  Being a mom with little kids does not lend much time to dwell on the events of the last year, but I do find that letting my thoughts out helps me to heal.  It's funny when mom was so sick, I did not want to go to bed because I did not want another day to be gone.  Since she has past, I do not always want to go to bed because that is when my mind has free time to think and time to miss those whom have gone on before.

I have some suggestions on how to deal with someone whom has a loved one with cancer, life threatening illness or has had a love one that has past away:

1) Just listen. Don't probe for answers. They will talk in their own time and in their own way.
2) Don't ask "Is there anything I can do?" The first thing that pops into the head is "Yes. Cure my mom's cancer." or "Yes. Bring my mom back."
3) Just do. Send a card, drop by for a visit or grab a bite to eat together, volunteer to help out- but be specific (babysitting, cook a meal, etc...). Most often the person doesn't know what they need or when they may need it.

4) Don't give THE LOOK. Those sad, you poor thing eyes. No one wants to be pitied or treated any differently than anyone else.
5) Just pray.  Let them know you support them, are thinking of them, and pray for them and their loved ones.

Well that about wraps up it for the evening.  The two things that keep me going are 1) God never gives us more than we can handle and 2) God has a reason for everything even if we cannot see it right now.  Tomorrow is another day and right now life is about taking one day at a time, the rest will figure itself out later.

New Beginnings

This past year was full of its ups and downs.  Of course, the downs for once out weighed the ups.  Relearning how to live life without mom and grandpa has had its challenges at times, but good has also shone through.  It is amazing how much you take for granted when it comes to family and once you realize that you no longer have the opportunity of time it can be heart breaking.  


Dealing with mom and grandpa's illnesses and deaths, then planning both of their funerals have brought my grandma, my little sister, and I much closer than before.  My little sister has instituted Family Dinner Night once a week, which is the brightest shining joy from the turbulent year of 2010.  Other joys also filled 2010, our pumpkin started preschool and our princess celebrated her first birthday.   


I was hoping that 2011 would spare our family from sickness, but alas my dad's cancer has returned.  After crashing from mom's defeat of cancer, we are once again taking the roller coaster ride of uncertainty and waiting.   So we must hope for the best and pray that this year will be more joyful.   Besides, God never gives us more than we can handle and he has a reason for everything even if we cannot see it.

May mom and grandpa help tend the gardens of heaven