Oh, how great are God's riches and wisdom and knowledge!
How impossible it is for us to understand his decision and his way!
~Romans 11:33
This has been a really rough week for me. Life always has its ups and downs but this week has felt like a hailstorm. I have to trust that God knows what he is doing and that I will make it through to more joyous times.
Tuesday was the roughest day for me. I attended the graveside services of a dear, dear lady. I thought a lot of her and was sad to see her go, but it is a blessing that she lead a full and long life. The service was in the same cemetery that my mom and grandpa are buried in. I made it through pretty well. The hardest part of the service for me was when the 23 Psalms was recited. The last time I had heard those words was the day my mom died. I was the one that had discovered that mom had past on and no matter how hard I tried to find a pulse or listen for a breath, it didn't come. I called our pastor and he, his wife, grandma and I waited together for the hospice nurse to arrive to call the coroner. As we waited, pastor had us gather around mom and he read the 23 Psalms. I had always found comfort in those verses, but now it has a different meaning and for the time being is very hard to bear. I'm sure with time, those words will once again provide comfort and support instead of sadness and tears.
Then early Tuesday evening, I went to the funeral home for the visitation of a wonderful gentleman that I once attend church with. Of course, it was the same funeral home that took care of my mom and grandpa's funerals. This particular funeral home has two rooms for their services. I figured it would probably be in the room that grandpa had been in 6 months ago and I thought I could handle that. But, it ended up being in the same room that mom had been in 4 1/2 months earlier. I almost bolted from the funeral home. It is really hard to face something that you are still coming to terms with. I know that mom is gone and in a better place, but I do not want to relive any part of this life change event. But because I thought so much of this wonderful gentleman, I did pay my final respects. Of course, it was done with tears and I could only stay in the funeral home for about ten minutes. I'm sure that God was with me the whole time, but I'm not sure that I was strong enough to face these hurdles so soon.
Finally, right before bed time on Tuesday, I received a phone call that my dad had been admitted to the hospital two hours away. He had been undergoing out patient pheresis in preparation for a bone marrow transplant later this year, for multiple myeloma, and encountered a glitch. They thought it could be a possible blood clot, by Wednesday afternoon the blood clot had been ruled out. I guess the current hypothesis maybe the medication that he was receiving. He is hoping to be released sometime tomorrow, so he can come back home.
Not to out do everything else this week, one year ago yesterday was when mom was diagnosed with multiple brain tumors. Of course, a few weeks later was when we learned she had stage 4 cancer of the brain and lungs. So for the past year my world has been turned upside down and I'm still waiting for it to turn itself back around. I'm still working on trying to find the new normal in life as is everyone else in the family.
Being the oldest, I always feel like I have to take care of everyone else in the family. I have to be the strong one. Some days, I think being the oldest really sucks. Being a mom with little kids does not lend much time to dwell on the events of the last year, but I do find that letting my thoughts out helps me to heal. It's funny when mom was so sick, I did not want to go to bed because I did not want another day to be gone. Since she has past, I do not always want to go to bed because that is when my mind has free time to think and time to miss those whom have gone on before.
I have some suggestions on how to deal with someone whom has a loved one with cancer, life threatening illness or has had a love one that has past away:
1) Just listen. Don't probe for answers. They will talk in their own time and in their own way.
2) Don't ask "Is there anything I can do?" The first thing that pops into the head is "Yes. Cure my mom's cancer." or "Yes. Bring my mom back."
3) Just do. Send a card, drop by for a visit or grab a bite to eat together, volunteer to help out- but be specific (babysitting, cook a meal, etc...). Most often the person doesn't know what they need or when they may need it.
4) Don't give THE LOOK. Those sad, you poor thing eyes. No one wants to be pitied or treated any differently than anyone else.
5) Just pray. Let them know you support them, are thinking of them, and pray for them and their loved ones.
Well that about wraps up it for the evening. The two things that keep me going are 1) God never gives us more than we can handle and 2) God has a reason for everything even if we cannot see it right now. Tomorrow is another day and right now life is about taking one day at a time, the rest will figure itself out later.
