Boys Will Be Boys

I finished book number six last night, The Way of Boys: Raising Healthy Boys in a Challenging and Complex World by Anthony Rao, Ph. D. and Michelle Seaton.  This book took two months to finish for a variety of reasons.  First, I really like non-fiction books the best.  Second, the book was not quite what I thought it would be.  Third, we became awful busy in July so unfortunately there just was not a lot of time for reading.    

So, why this book?  Well, I would like to understand my Pumpkin a bit better.  He is at that the stage where he cannot express himself verbally which can at times led to tantrums and crying fits.  He is the typical active preschooler, but words of expression sometimes elude him.  So when he is yelling “Bad Mommy” at me, I tell him that I am not a bad mommy and he is just angry or sad at me.  He needs to say “Mommy, I’m angry at you.” Or “Mommy, you hurt my feelings.”  Another example would be when he is eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and the jelly starts running down his hand.  Instead of licking it off or asking for a napkin, he starts screaming bloody murder with the full effect of tears until the problem is resolved.  I have been walking over to him and asking him to tell me what is wrong and what we need to do about it, in a hopeful push to teach him to use his words. 

This book was interesting, but not what I expected from the title.  Parts of the book I can definitely utilize, but other parts not so much so.  About a third of the book was devoted to ADHD and ADD: the testing, misdiagnosis, and management.  So I think the title is a bit misleading and there are a few things that could have been included to round the book out more.

Here is a listing of chapter titles: 1) Your Problem is Spelled B-O-Y.  2) Little Girls Aren’t Like This. 3) He Doesn’t Have Any Friends. 4) He’s a Bully. 5) He Won’t Sit Still. 6) He Runs the Household. 7) He Has to Win, or Else. 8) He Wants to Be the Bad Guy. 9) He’s Suddenly Fragile. 10) He Hates School, 11) The Teacher Thinks He Needs Testing. 12) He Has Already Been Labeled. 13) What Will He Be Like as a Grown Man?

I did find this quote very interesting: “When boys are engaging in what I call ‘the storm before the calm,’ that developmental moment just before we see a major leap, their behaviors can really regress.  Boys can fall apart.  Soon they will see progress that occurs on the behavioral front, signaling that the brain has reorganized itself.” page 7 & 8.  That is very reassuring as boys will be boys and some days you have no idea what will happen next.  The book also said that it is very important to reinforce good behavior with words like “good”, “excellent,” and “great.”  Which does make sense; we are often too quick to say what they did wrong as apposed to rewarding them for what they did right.

How to promote good behavior?  First off, stay calm.  Get down on their level, insist on eye contact.  State the rule or rules then have them repeat the rule (which fosters responsibility of the rule).  Work with only two or three rules at a time.  If the rules are violated, immediately take away something.  You can put a favorite toy or object in time-out.  For tantrums a “time away” is suggested, which is sending the child to their room, shut the door with the light on, and leave them there until they are done crying and raging.  It is a cooling out period for both the child and the parent.  Until the child calms down do not talk or respond to anything they say or do.  After the time away calmly ask: Why were you sent to your room? Are you ready to come out and control yourself?  After a time away tell your child that they did a great job calming down, that you are proud of them and let’s start fresh.

Overall, I have learned quite a bit from this book.  I believe that I do understand my son better and have been more tolerant and understand to some of his behavior issues (which are typical of active boys his age).  This book has been very good at teaching how to get down to his level and how to communicate effectively in a way that will make sense to him.